Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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