Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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