Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize