wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
