I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
FUCK WHALES
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
