Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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