I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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