I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
