smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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