Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
