Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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