3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
