I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
