go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
