Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
