I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The air taste purple.
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