I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
People in love make me want to vomit
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
