in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
