you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
