Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize