I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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