Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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