i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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