I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
