I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize