Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
