I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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