I met the friendliest cop last night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
