Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
