I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
