God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize