so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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