dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
