I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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