Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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