The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize