how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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