i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
