what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Randomize
