My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
