Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize