Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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