i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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