If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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