I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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