I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
