I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
