Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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