I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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