What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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