The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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