hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you had me at cake vodka
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
