So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
where are you?
Hypothermia
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize