One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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