well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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