I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
