I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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