dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
