I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
